Vampire Diaries- Funny Damon Quotes!
*Damon holding Jeremys ring*
Damon- But if you tell anyone I'm gonna shove this ring so far up your ass your really gonna have something to choke on- FUNNIEST QUOTE EVER!
*Throws the ring at Jermeys forehead*
Jeremy- OW!
Damon- Ain't that nice? Stefan joins a team and makes a friend. It's all so rah rah go team yeah!
Damon- Oh you guys havn't had the awkward ex-ist conversation yet
Elena- Nope
Damon- Oops well, I'm sure it will come up now
*Stefan walks in*
Damon- Great gal whoo shes got.... spunk ,you on the other hand ...look pooped- In my opinion 2nd funniest quote ever!
*Stefan finds Damon about to kill a girl*
Damon- Not bad! Have you been eating bunnies!?
Stefan- What are you up to?
Damon- Thats for me to know and for you to, dot dot dot
*Damon shirtless in Carolines bedroom with her*
Damon- Don't do that!
*Caroline hits him but Damon ducks with a lamp and is about to hit him again*
Damon *whilst waving a finger* - Ah, ah, ah, ah!
*Caroline hits him with the lamp again but Damon ducks*
Damon- You know, this could have gone a completly different way
*Damon reading Stefans diary*
Damon- Very emeriscent, the way you reveal your soul so many-
*Stefan snatches his diary back*
Damon- adjectives
Damon- I can learn to be a non-living ,living person
*Damon laughs*
Damon- btw, that means by the way
Damon- While the vervain keeps me out of her head, maybe thats not my target
Damon- Some girls can resist my good looks, my style and my charm and my unflinching ability to listen to Taylor Swift
*Damon stabs Stefan*
Damon- Your dead dude, get over it
Damon- Its cool not growing old. I like being the eternal stud
Damon- Whos this John varvatos dude. dick move
Caroline- Are you going to kill me
Damon- Mmmm hmmm
Damon- ahh you almost got me, where is it
Damon- Don't look at me with those judgy little eyes
*Damon and Vicky drunk*
Vicky- Hey why don't you have a girlfriend, your like totally cool and sooo hot
*Damon says drunkly*- I know
*Damon on the phone to Stefan because he needs his sunlight ring*
Damon- I'm getting really bored and really impatient and I don't do bored and impatient
Damon- She's been cooped up in her room all day, she's not Anne Frank
Tyler- Screw you dude
Damon- Dude, really dude
Stefan- Damon don't
*Damon opens door to Elena*
Damon- Good morning to you, little miss I'm on a mission
Elena- How can you be so arrogant and glip after everything that you have done
Damon- And how can you be so brave and stupid to call a vampire arrogant and glip
Elena- If you wanted me dead I would be dead
Damon- Yes you would
Elena- But I'm not
Damon- Yet
Damon- I got the town of our back it was for the greater good, I'm sorry and to prove I'm not going to feed on human...for at least a...week
Damon- Are you mimicking me
Stefan- Yes Stefan and I can go back to my routine of how can I destroy Stefans life this week
Damon- And I can go back to sulking, Elena-longing and Forehead-brooding... this is fun i like this
Damon- Ok this is your last chance
Bonnie- I'm going to scream
Damon- Oh don't do that
Stefan- I think we should start over
Damon- I dont..Damon.. I can't trust you to be a nice guy... you kill everybody and your so mean ,your so mean..
*Stefan shakes his head at him*
Damon- Your really hard to imitate
Logan- I can't get into my house because my foot won't go through the door
Damon- You have to be invited in
Logan- I live alone
Damon- Oh that sucks
*Damon shoots Logan several times*
Damon- Paybacks bits isn't it
Logan- How can you side with them
Damon- I don't side with anyone. You piss me off I want you dead
Elena- Pull over! I mean it Damon pull over!
Damon- Ugggh you were so much more fun when you were asleep
*Damon with Elena's phone which rings*
Damon- Elenas phone
Stefan- Damon ,I swear to god if you touch her
Damon- You have a good day, mmm hmm bye now
Damon- Vampires can't procreate ,but we love to try
*Elena and Stefan in bed together*
Elena and Stefan- Damon!
Damon- C'mon if I see anything I havn't seen before I'll throw a dollar at it
Damon- With hot comes weird.... Trust me
Elena- I found my birth mother
Damon- Who cares she left you, she sucks
Damon- Sorry I'm late; a dog ate my... never mind
Stefan- I liked you better when you hated everybody
Damon- Oh I still do, I just love that they love me
Damon- Teacher by day, vampire hunter by night
Stefan- I'm really sorry that it won't be of any help with your diabolical plan: the sequel. You know, I could help you.
Damon- You? Help me? Ah, I don't know; it seems a little . . . unnatural.
Mason- We havn't met I'm Mason lockwood
Damon- Damon Salvatore
Mason- I know ,I've heard great things about you!
Damon- Really? Thats weird 'Cause I'm a dick
Damon- Oh but sheriff somebody buried her who would do such a thing? Oh I know, I know! Me!
Damon- Mayor, Is that you?
Mayor Lockwood- What're you doing here?
Damon- I'm a vampire. What is your excuse?
Damon- I have a diabolical master plan
Lexi- What is it?
Damon- Well if I told you it would not be very diabolical now would it?
Vicki- Why did you do it?
Damon- I was bored
Vicki- You did this to me out of boredom!?
Damon- It's one of the many pitfalls of eternity
Stefan: What happened tonight when you thought she was Elena?
Damon: To risk another frown line encroaching on a very crowded forehead... We kissed.
Elena: And you thought it was me?
Stefan: What do you mean you 'kissed'?
Damon: Well, when two lips pucker and they go *Damon makes kissy noises*
Katherine- Bad day?
Damon- Bad century
Damon- Tried to kill a werewolf... failed. I'm not living up to my best self
Elena- Stefan?
*Damon walks in shirtless*
Damon- better me!
*Elena and Damon walk in*
*Elena points a finger to Jeremy in the kitchen just in case he mentions anything about vampires then put it to her lips*
Damon- No Elena.. I will not..... go to your bedroom with you!
Elena- You look...
Damon- Dashing, gorgues.. irrrrrissiisstible
Elena- Wrecked
Damon- So this is where you spend your time when you are not stabbing people in the back
Matt- Hi we havn't met, I'm Matt
Damon- Matt? Thats the reason we havn't met
Damon- Were a team! We could travel the world together. We could try out for the amazing race
Damon- Your back on bambi blood and I'm the big bad ass brother again
Damon- Whats so special about this Bella girl? Edward is so whipped- whipped means being controlled by your girlfriend lol
Elena- You did this. This is your fault
Damon- You confuse me with someone with remorse
Vicki- I know you
Damon- Well thats unfortunate
Damon- Witches. Judgy little things
Elena- Don't forget you helped me
Damon- I hate myself
Elena- How long is it going to take until he gets back to normal
Damon- A few days, give or take
Elena- Its been a few days
Damon- Give then, i don't know
Damon- Guess what, Everyone hates me
Damon- Stefans different, he wants the whole human experiance, he wants to feel every episode of how I met your mother
Stefan- Wherever you go people die
Damon- Thats a given
Damon- Hot trumps weird, TRUST me
Elena- Whats his favourite type of....
Damon- His favourite type of what
Elena- Animal blood that he prefers
Damon- Eewww gross!
Elena- Damon
Damon- Stefan likes.... puppy blood... little golden retriver puppies with cute floppy ears, thats his favourite
*Vicki is bleeding on the couch*
Damon- Oh don't get blood on the couch, PLEASE
Damon- Well if theyre not vampires then what the hell are they
Stefan- Oh maybe theyre ninja turtles
Damon- Your not funny
Stefan- So you think... John is Elenas father
Damon- Ding Ding Ding Ding!
Damon- How long are you going to blame me for turning your birth mother into a vampire
Elena- Oh I'm not blaming you Damon I've already accepted the fact that your'e a self-serving cyco path with no human qualities
Damon- Ouch
Damon- We have a problem Stefan, and when I say problem I mean global crisis
Damon- Stefan smiles, alert the media
*Damon gasps*
Damon- I'm so shocked... Stefans not a virgin!
Stefan- What are you doing here
Damon- It's founders day! I here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl
Damon- I was ambushed, I was shot. Now I'm vengeful
Damon- I'm not some drunk sorority chick, you can't roofy me
*Damon to Alaric*
Damon- But you can't deny, we were bad ass!
*Alaric punches Damon*
Damon- I say. Snatch. Eat. Erase
Damon- I'll adopt the Stefan diet. Only nothing with feathers
Stefan- We'll talk when I get back
Damon- Alright. Give my regards to the squirells
Damon- Dear diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today... I told him it was Joe... That lie will haunt me... Forever
Damon- Chop, chop!
Damon- You know I really like this whole Menage-A-Threesome team thing. It's got a little..... Kink to it, Dont screw it uup
Alaric- You turned her because you liked her
Damon- No. I slept with her because I liked her
Damon- What are you crazy! That was 1864! Wake up woman the world has moved on!
Elena- Damon gets what he wants as per usual no matter who he hurts in the process
Damon- You don't have to be snarky about it
Elena- Damon, nows not the time to play lone-ranger
Damon- Ok Elena you can drive the get-away car
Damon- Let's face it I'm the hotter, more superior choice
Damon- I like being the eternal stud
Damon- Peace offering, c'mon you know you need a blood circulation!
Elena- This is kidnapping
Damon- Well thats a little melo-dramatic don't you think
*Damon rasises his eyebrows*
Damon- I think we should make a fresh start
Bonnie- You tried to kill me
Damon- But I didn't, shouldn't that count for anything!
Damon *To Elena*- I knew your family, they made sucky chilli
Damon- We have a crazy ex on the loose
Damon *whispers to Stefan*- Shes in denial
Stefan- Shut up, Damon
Damon- Shes in denial
Elena- Kathriene came, that means that shes been invited in, what do we do?
Damon *smirking*- move
I hope you enjoyed the quotes!
Best quotes
Damon- But if you tell anyone I'm gonna shove this ring so far up your ass your really gonna have something to choke on- FUNNIEST QUOTE EVER!
*Throws the ring at Jermeys forehead*
Jeremy- OW!
Damon- Ain't that nice? Stefan joins a team and makes a friend. It's all so rah rah go team yeah!
Damon- Oh you guys havn't had the awkward ex-ist conversation yet
Elena- Nope
Damon- Oops well, I'm sure it will come up now
*Stefan walks in*
Damon- Great gal whoo shes got.... spunk ,you on the other hand ...look pooped- In my opinion 2nd funniest quote ever!
*Stefan finds Damon about to kill a girl*
Damon- Not bad! Have you been eating bunnies!?
Stefan- What are you up to?
Damon- Thats for me to know and for you to, dot dot dot
*Damon shirtless in Carolines bedroom with her*
Damon- Don't do that!
*Caroline hits him but Damon ducks with a lamp and is about to hit him again*
Damon *whilst waving a finger* - Ah, ah, ah, ah!
*Caroline hits him with the lamp again but Damon ducks*
Damon- You know, this could have gone a completly different way
*Damon reading Stefans diary*
Damon- Very emeriscent, the way you reveal your soul so many-
*Stefan snatches his diary back*
Damon- adjectives
Damon- I can learn to be a non-living ,living person
*Damon laughs*
Damon- btw, that means by the way
Damon- While the vervain keeps me out of her head, maybe thats not my target
Damon- Some girls can resist my good looks, my style and my charm and my unflinching ability to listen to Taylor Swift
*Damon stabs Stefan*
Damon- Your dead dude, get over it
Damon- Its cool not growing old. I like being the eternal stud
Damon- Whos this John varvatos dude. dick move
Caroline- Are you going to kill me
Damon- Mmmm hmmm
Damon- ahh you almost got me, where is it
Damon- Don't look at me with those judgy little eyes
*Damon and Vicky drunk*
Vicky- Hey why don't you have a girlfriend, your like totally cool and sooo hot
*Damon says drunkly*- I know
*Damon on the phone to Stefan because he needs his sunlight ring*
Damon- I'm getting really bored and really impatient and I don't do bored and impatient
Damon- She's been cooped up in her room all day, she's not Anne Frank
Tyler- Screw you dude
Damon- Dude, really dude
Stefan- Damon don't
*Damon opens door to Elena*
Damon- Good morning to you, little miss I'm on a mission
Elena- How can you be so arrogant and glip after everything that you have done
Damon- And how can you be so brave and stupid to call a vampire arrogant and glip
Elena- If you wanted me dead I would be dead
Damon- Yes you would
Elena- But I'm not
Damon- Yet
Damon- I got the town of our back it was for the greater good, I'm sorry and to prove I'm not going to feed on human...for at least a...week
Damon- Are you mimicking me
Stefan- Yes Stefan and I can go back to my routine of how can I destroy Stefans life this week
Damon- And I can go back to sulking, Elena-longing and Forehead-brooding... this is fun i like this
Damon- Ok this is your last chance
Bonnie- I'm going to scream
Damon- Oh don't do that
Stefan- I think we should start over
Damon- I dont..Damon.. I can't trust you to be a nice guy... you kill everybody and your so mean ,your so mean..
*Stefan shakes his head at him*
Damon- Your really hard to imitate
Logan- I can't get into my house because my foot won't go through the door
Damon- You have to be invited in
Logan- I live alone
Damon- Oh that sucks
*Damon shoots Logan several times*
Damon- Paybacks bits isn't it
Logan- How can you side with them
Damon- I don't side with anyone. You piss me off I want you dead
Elena- Pull over! I mean it Damon pull over!
Damon- Ugggh you were so much more fun when you were asleep
*Damon with Elena's phone which rings*
Damon- Elenas phone
Stefan- Damon ,I swear to god if you touch her
Damon- You have a good day, mmm hmm bye now
Damon- Vampires can't procreate ,but we love to try
*Elena and Stefan in bed together*
Elena and Stefan- Damon!
Damon- C'mon if I see anything I havn't seen before I'll throw a dollar at it
Damon- With hot comes weird.... Trust me
Elena- I found my birth mother
Damon- Who cares she left you, she sucks
Damon- Sorry I'm late; a dog ate my... never mind
Stefan- I liked you better when you hated everybody
Damon- Oh I still do, I just love that they love me
Damon- Teacher by day, vampire hunter by night
Stefan- I'm really sorry that it won't be of any help with your diabolical plan: the sequel. You know, I could help you.
Damon- You? Help me? Ah, I don't know; it seems a little . . . unnatural.
Mason- We havn't met I'm Mason lockwood
Damon- Damon Salvatore
Mason- I know ,I've heard great things about you!
Damon- Really? Thats weird 'Cause I'm a dick
Damon- Oh but sheriff somebody buried her who would do such a thing? Oh I know, I know! Me!
Damon- Mayor, Is that you?
Mayor Lockwood- What're you doing here?
Damon- I'm a vampire. What is your excuse?
Damon- I have a diabolical master plan
Lexi- What is it?
Damon- Well if I told you it would not be very diabolical now would it?
Vicki- Why did you do it?
Damon- I was bored
Vicki- You did this to me out of boredom!?
Damon- It's one of the many pitfalls of eternity
Stefan: What happened tonight when you thought she was Elena?
Damon: To risk another frown line encroaching on a very crowded forehead... We kissed.
Elena: And you thought it was me?
Stefan: What do you mean you 'kissed'?
Damon: Well, when two lips pucker and they go *Damon makes kissy noises*
Katherine- Bad day?
Damon- Bad century
Damon- Tried to kill a werewolf... failed. I'm not living up to my best self
Elena- Stefan?
*Damon walks in shirtless*
Damon- better me!
*Elena and Damon walk in*
*Elena points a finger to Jeremy in the kitchen just in case he mentions anything about vampires then put it to her lips*
Damon- No Elena.. I will not..... go to your bedroom with you!
Elena- You look...
Damon- Dashing, gorgues.. irrrrrissiisstible
Elena- Wrecked
Damon- So this is where you spend your time when you are not stabbing people in the back
Matt- Hi we havn't met, I'm Matt
Damon- Matt? Thats the reason we havn't met
Damon- Were a team! We could travel the world together. We could try out for the amazing race
Damon- Your back on bambi blood and I'm the big bad ass brother again
Damon- Whats so special about this Bella girl? Edward is so whipped- whipped means being controlled by your girlfriend lol
Elena- You did this. This is your fault
Damon- You confuse me with someone with remorse
Vicki- I know you
Damon- Well thats unfortunate
Damon- Witches. Judgy little things
Elena- Don't forget you helped me
Damon- I hate myself
Elena- How long is it going to take until he gets back to normal
Damon- A few days, give or take
Elena- Its been a few days
Damon- Give then, i don't know
Damon- Guess what, Everyone hates me
Damon- Stefans different, he wants the whole human experiance, he wants to feel every episode of how I met your mother
Stefan- Wherever you go people die
Damon- Thats a given
Damon- Hot trumps weird, TRUST me
Elena- Whats his favourite type of....
Damon- His favourite type of what
Elena- Animal blood that he prefers
Damon- Eewww gross!
Elena- Damon
Damon- Stefan likes.... puppy blood... little golden retriver puppies with cute floppy ears, thats his favourite
*Vicki is bleeding on the couch*
Damon- Oh don't get blood on the couch, PLEASE
Damon- Well if theyre not vampires then what the hell are they
Stefan- Oh maybe theyre ninja turtles
Damon- Your not funny
Stefan- So you think... John is Elenas father
Damon- Ding Ding Ding Ding!
Damon- How long are you going to blame me for turning your birth mother into a vampire
Elena- Oh I'm not blaming you Damon I've already accepted the fact that your'e a self-serving cyco path with no human qualities
Damon- Ouch
Damon- We have a problem Stefan, and when I say problem I mean global crisis
Damon- Stefan smiles, alert the media
*Damon gasps*
Damon- I'm so shocked... Stefans not a virgin!
Stefan- What are you doing here
Damon- It's founders day! I here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl
Damon- I was ambushed, I was shot. Now I'm vengeful
Damon- I'm not some drunk sorority chick, you can't roofy me
*Damon to Alaric*
Damon- But you can't deny, we were bad ass!
*Alaric punches Damon*
Damon- I say. Snatch. Eat. Erase
Damon- I'll adopt the Stefan diet. Only nothing with feathers
Stefan- We'll talk when I get back
Damon- Alright. Give my regards to the squirells
Damon- Dear diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today... I told him it was Joe... That lie will haunt me... Forever
Damon- Chop, chop!
Damon- You know I really like this whole Menage-A-Threesome team thing. It's got a little..... Kink to it, Dont screw it uup
Alaric- You turned her because you liked her
Damon- No. I slept with her because I liked her
Damon- What are you crazy! That was 1864! Wake up woman the world has moved on!
Elena- Damon gets what he wants as per usual no matter who he hurts in the process
Damon- You don't have to be snarky about it
Elena- Damon, nows not the time to play lone-ranger
Damon- Ok Elena you can drive the get-away car
Damon- Let's face it I'm the hotter, more superior choice
Damon- I like being the eternal stud
Damon- Peace offering, c'mon you know you need a blood circulation!
Elena- This is kidnapping
Damon- Well thats a little melo-dramatic don't you think
*Damon rasises his eyebrows*
Damon- I think we should make a fresh start
Bonnie- You tried to kill me
Damon- But I didn't, shouldn't that count for anything!
Damon *To Elena*- I knew your family, they made sucky chilli
Damon- We have a crazy ex on the loose
Damon *whispers to Stefan*- Shes in denial
Stefan- Shut up, Damon
Damon- Shes in denial
Elena- Kathriene came, that means that shes been invited in, what do we do?
Damon *smirking*- move
I hope you enjoyed the quotes!
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